my fire burns brighter
by natanije
Summary: She'll be the brightest, the strongest, the fiercest, the best, and she's not going to have it any other way. Because this is her dream, her goal, her everything. (Because this is her way to survive). BAMF Kushina.
1. Chapter 1

She's so tired of people underestimating her.

In Uzushio, people were amazing enough to never underestimate or look down on each other. In Uzushio, everyone was family and family meant protection and support. In Uzushio, there were no insults thrown with ill meaning behind them. In Uzushio, insults were mere friendly teasing and accepted as such. In Uzushio, there were brawls but nobody wanted to really hurt the other permanently.

In Konoha, it is the other way around.

In Konoha, nobody is her family except for Granny Mito who could be a Goddess or something, simply because of how much Kushina idolizes the sealing expert. In Konoha, nobody treats her like family, nobody truly accepts her even though she came from Konoha's own sister village, even though she came from one of the supporting founding clan other than the Uchiha and Senju. In Konoha, people insult her because they want to insult her. In Konoha, the people who insulted her got punched, and they came back with backup to punch her.

Logically, she punched back. Twice as hard, of course. Like hell she's going to let herself be pushed around, like hell she's going to let people underestimate her, simply because she's a _little girl_! If they punch her, she's going to punch back. She's going to win, she's going to _triumph_. That's what they get for daring to underestimate her, really.

But still.

It's frustrating, it's annoying, and it's achingly _lonely_ and _painful_. She doesn't want to fight all the time. She wants friends who don't see her as an outsider but as a fellow future comrade in Konoha's shinobi rank. She wants people she can thoroughly enjoy hanging out with.

Above all, however—

She longs for home.

She wants to go home, back to the wet soils of Uzushio and to the bright and sometimes wacky architectures, to her family and her friends and her comrades.

But she can't go home lest she causes the end of the treaty between Konoha and Uzushio.

She can't go home, because she's their sacrifice.

Don't get her wrong; she's proud she can be used for the sake of Uzushio; that place is a home for her and she'll do anything for it—and by extent, Konoha—but she also wants a home. How can she feel at home when Konoha, who will use her for the sake of their safety, who will use her to keep the Kyuubi at bay, cannot even accept her fully inside of its abode?

She doesn't like it here. Not yet.

Mito-sama told her she'll feel at home soon.

Kushina can't wait for it to happen.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It's gone.

Uzushio is gone.

Her home, her family, her friends, _gone_.

Gone, just like that. She went to sleep one night and in the morning, it's already gone.

She bites her lips to prevent herself from screaming, from shouting and demanding answers from the Hokage, from the elders, from the shinobi, because that was her home, that was her country and it was Konoha's sister village, a village that the First and Second Hokage vowed to protect always.

It's _bullshit_ , she wants to say. How could they not arrive in time? How could the Konoha nin not save even a single one of them? They couldn't all be wiped out, they _couldn't_. Uzu nin are ( _were_ ) stronger than that. Their seals and abundance of chakra are amazing! They surely could've held back long enough until Konoha nin arrives! What was Konoha even _doing_? Did they even _try_ at all?

She hates this. She hates this, she hates this, she _hates_ this!

That's her _home_! Why is everyone laughing as if nothing is wrong?! Why are the Konoha ninja walk around as if they've done nothing wrong? As if they haven't even _tried_ to save her country?!

She wants to refuse it; this… this _news_ that her home has been destroyed, thoroughly ransacked with, apparently, no survivors.

But she sees the haunted, grieving look on Mito-sama's face, sees how her fists clench on the top of her kimono, and Kushina _believes_ —because if there's anyone she truly believes with her whole heart in Konoha, the one she knows loves Uzushio as much as she does, it'll be Mito-sama—that Uzushio is really gone.

Her home—

It's gone.

She wants to laugh.

Guess she doesn't have any more choice but to make Konoha her home.

(But since when did she ever have any choice left in her life?)

(There is none).

(Not since her chakra got tested by a Konoha nin for compatibility).

(Not since she's stepped foot in Konoha).

(Not ever).

XXX

 **So, I wanted to make a character study and do some wish fulfillment regarding Kushina. She's amazing and I love her. Just thought she deserved better and coulda done better, achieved better. So yeah, expect BAMF Kushina, some grumpy old fox, and _gasp_! Canon divergence!**

 **This story has sat in the drafts for a looooooong time. I'm happy to finally be able to publish this. Expect more dialogue and Uzushio aftermath drama sometime in the future.**

 **Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I suddenly had a boost of love toward Kushina, so. Enjoy!**

 **This chapter is about grief, about loneliness and the crushing sense of hopelessness and bitterness. I want to show how Kushina must be _lonely_ living in Konoha before Minato (honestly, though, Kishimoto? Really?) and how that must've affected her mental health _badly_. This won't delve deep into her mental health just yet, so you can think of this as a sneak peek, haha.**

 **Also, the canon divergence starts from this chapter!**

 **Enjoy reading!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Loneliness**

Mito-sama is gone.

Mito-sama is gone and the Kyuubi is now inside her.

The only Uzumaki left she knew of, the only person who looks at her with genuine warmth and love, the one who gives her the feeling of _home_ , gone.

She has no one now.

 _No one_.

The thought crashes into her like a dam of cold water, and if she's ever felt lonely before, now she knows with glaring clarity that she's _truly_ , utterly, alone right now.

And so, she grieves.

Kushina grieves, cries silently to her bed, clings to Mito-sama's warm blanket that smells a little bit like the old woman she is, and hopes, _hopes_ , that she won't be alone after this. That there will be someone, _anyone_ , than can be with her.

Not to replace Mito-sama, not ever.

But rather to fill the hole in her heart that has appeared since Uzushio's ruin, and gotten bigger since Mito-sama's death. To fill her days and to distract her from the constant rejection she seems to have in every corner of Konoha because she's an outsider. To have someone who she can call as _home_.

To have someone to love and cherish—

And one to do so in return.

(But she doesn't have anybody).

(Not anymore).

( _I'm so lonely,_ she thinks to herself. _I'm so lonely and pathetic, and I hate it)._

.

.

.

 _Mommy_ , she calls in her mind late at night when she's unable to sleep. When the stifling silence is too much and the loneliness and burden _too much_ , too heavy on her shoulders and she's tired, so tired of it all and she just wants to run—she wants to run and hide and sleep for a week—

But Uzumaki doesn't run away. Uzumaki fights and fights for their family and home and continues on going even if it kills them in the end (even if it destroys their own village in the end).

And because she's an Uzumaki, she won't run.

(She wants to run).

 _Mommy_ , she thinks as she cries silently to her pillow. _Mommy, I'm so lonely_. _There's no one here for me and I'm so lonely, it hurts._

 _I miss you Ma. I wanna go home._

 _I wanna go home._

 _Please let me go with you._

 _Please take me with you._

 _I can't handle this anymore._

 _I wanna go home._

.

.

.

They don't allow her to live in Mito-sama's residence.

Mito-sama lived in the Senju Compound, and they refused her presence now that Mito-sama is gone.

She's not Senju, they said. She only lived there _temporarily_ because Mito-sama asked for it. Mito-sama is gone now, so they can kick her out of the Senju Compound just fine, the _heathens_.

And now—They give her an apartment, small and barren, empty of the homey feeling the Senju Compound had with Mito-sama lingering presence despite her death.

Tsunade isn't here to ask for her residence in the Compound, even if she could've requested for Kushina's continued residence in the compound and the council will probably follow her request. But Tsunade's not here. Too busy fighting in the war, that one. And Kushina is too bitter to think that Tsunade will even _try_ doing so.

( _Are we even family?_ She thinks bitterly. They're supposed to be; but she wonders, really, if Tsunade ever really considers Uzumaki as family bar her grandmother. She wonders if Tsunade ever really sees Kushina as family, as something worth protecting and loving for).

( _Tsunade is lonely_ , Mito-sama used to say, _lonely and sad, sometimes. I'm glad she's met Dan)_.

( _But I'm lonely too,_ Kushina wanted to say, _wants_ to say. _I'm lonely too; am I supposed to find a boyfriend to stop being lonely too?_ )

(She stops that thought immediately; because it's unfair. Tsunade has found a way to make her happy, and—and Kushina is happy for her, really! She's seen glimpses of the two together and they're good for each other. But, _but_ —)

( _But I'm lonely too_ ).

( _I'm lonely_ ).

.

.

.

.

She sometimes wonders if they even try to make her loyal at all. Wonders if Konoha ever really sees her as an asset worth protecting and caring for, worth to be trained to be a good shinobi. Because she's the last Uzumaki, the person who is holding the Kyuubi. The person whose hometown got razed to the ground _because Konoha was too slow to help her own sister village._

It'll be easy for her to turn against this place that doesn't seem to wish to have her in it, to run away and live as a hermit while arguing with the grumpy old fox all day.

It'll be easy to be an enemy of Konoha, to rain down her anger and grief and hatred over the things taken from her by Konoha's hands or influence—it's so _easy_.

It'll be easy, but even despite her grief, Kushina never _likes_ the easy way out.

(Because she's an _Uzumaki_ ).

She knows she'll stay here, in this small place, that she'll try to make it her home. She just needs to adapt to this place without Mito-sama, is all.

That's all, really.

Kushina is bitter, tired, and very very done with everything, that she just laughs.

She laughs, laughs and laughs even when tears streak down her cheeks like waterfall, cushioning herself on the bed.

She misses Mito-sama, she misses her smiles, her sealing lessons, her strict demeanor and badassery hidden under that old face of hers. Misses her sarcasm and the steel hidden soft smiles, the brain and utter brilliance she possesses.

She misses her papa. His loud cackle and hair ruffles, the easy way he leaned on her whenever he teased her, his lessons and his smile. She misses her mama, her cooking and sharp smiles, the fluidity whenever she moved, the deadly glint hidden behind soft purple eyes. Missed her hugs and kisses and lullabies, the times when her mother would cuddle her on bed and tell her many stories and lores of Uzushio.

She misses tricky Konohana and dumb Yosuke, misses the uncles and aunties and friends and relatives in Uzushio, misses the smell of the sea that surrounded Uzushio, the red and orange and yellow around the village, the ugly fountain near Uzushio's main house, the large library that stored secrets upon secrets of Uzumaki and its sister clans—

She misses home.

She misses home _so much_.

She wants to go home.

Can't she just go _home_?

(But where is home?)

( _There is no home_ , a voice answers).

(Kushina stays quiet).

.

.

(She agrees).

(There is no home for her anymore).

.

.

(The voice laughs).

.

.

.

.

.

.

Her wards are too weak, she thinks. Not as strong and as complex as Mito-sama's design. Not yet. She hasn't learned enough. Her progress is steady yet slower compared to when she was still under Mito-sama's care. She's not a seal master just yet. She's not.

Her wards are weak.

It's weak enough to allow Kumo-nin to break through and catch her off guard. To take her away and probably ship her off to a dungeon somewhere, who knows. She hasn't read up about torture and interrogation. She doesn't know if that's what Kumo wants to do with her. She doesn't even know _how_ Kumo manages to even _find_ her.

(Though what does it say about Konoha's security, to allow Kumo-nin to even _sneak_ and break through her wards?)

(What does it say about Konoha's thoughts about their "valued" jinchuuriki and their effort to keep their greatest weapon in, that a Kumo-nin is able to take her away so easily?)

(Is she even _worth_ anything to Konoha at all?)

(…..)

(She knows the answer).

Now she's on her way to her death, probably, or maybe to slavery, by these Kumo-nin. Forced to work and possibly kill herself for the sake of their village.

( _Isn't that what Konoha makes you do?_ A sinister voice says to her. _Isn't it just the same?_ )

(She closes her eyes briefly to suppress that presence).

(…She agrees).

(The presence laughs).

.

.

She's going to die. If not now, then someday, when they're tired of using her (like Konoha is using her) and when she's of no use. She's going to be miserable, she is certain.

Still, Konoha is better than Kumo, she thinks. And so she hopes that someone will think she's worthy enough to look for, to find and rescue. She has given clues with her hair, but she's not sure anyone will notice.

It's a dumb ass hair anyway.

( _She's not important for them anyway._

 _She's just an outsider._

 _Nobody will notice._

 _Nobody will notice her missing._

 _Heck, they will probably be happy that she's go—_

…She closes her eyes again. That voice is really annoying whenever she's stressed).

People had told her that she's an outsider, so she can't be a famous ninja in Konoha.

People told her that because of that reason as well, there's no way she can become Hokage.

People told her that because she's a _girl,_ she can't be _that_ strong.

People told her—

People—

( _I hate people_ , the voice says.)

...Kushina agrees.

She hates people sometimes.

( _Kill them all_ ).

Maybe she should. She doesn't want to be taken to Kumo after all. That place has got to suck somehow. Konoha sucks enough for not being similar to Uzushio. Kumo's suckiness must reach a level far beyond Konoha.

( _Use me, let me free, I'll kill them for you. You'll be free, then_ ).

Kushina purses her lips.

She wants to be free.

She wants to go back to her bed and just forget all of this kidnapping ever happening in the first place. She wants to sleep for a week and wake up without any burden left on her shoulders. She wants to be _free_.

But she won't allow leverage for the Kyuubi. She honors Mito-sama enough for that. And who is to say that the Kyuubi won't kill her if she were to let it free?

If her hands are more free, she can use seals or attempt a jutsu, but they're bound.

They've drained her of chakra. But she's an Uzumaki. She knows how to undo the seal on her cuffs, and she still has enough chakra despite how it's drained (she's just tired. Too tired to even bother fighting back but—but it's been over 30 minutes and she's losing hope of any chuunin or jounin finding her and she wants to _laugh_. Because really, why did she even _hope_? Nobody cares about her. She's the one who has to fight. She has to fight for herself) and although releasing the seal will obviously alert the Kumo-nin, she has another thing she can do in the swift second she will get after it.

(The only thing she can do is—)

Her eyes drift, looking from the ninja to her right, her left, her front and from what she knows, her behind. Chewing her bottom lip, she allows herself to relax, and then—

( _Kill them all_ ).

A burst of chakra, the seal is undone and chains appear from her back, slamming onto the shinobi around her. One manages to obtain a hole in his chest, and Kushina chokes back her instinctive urge to gag at the sight and focuses more on her need to escape.

A shinobi curses and snarls at her. Kushina tries to stab his nose.

She lets out a battle cry, twisting her body to allow the chains to slam onto more of the offending shinobi around her. It's primal instinct right now. She barely has enough training to fight these older men, but with chakra chains she has enough leverage, she can _fight back_. She can, _dammit_! A jerk of her shoulder allows her chain to stab another person and—

And there's a boy, stabbing the Kumo-nin's eye.

Kushina's eyes widen.

It's the sissy-looking blond.

XXX

 **I don't really like the term** _ **sissy**_ **, but in canon that** _ **is**_ **Kushina's first impression of Minato, so. Anyway, canon divergence starts here so! I hope you're as excited for the next chapter as I am dhjkhfdjk iM ACTUALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MIDTERMS WHAT AM I DOING**

 **Also, this is a bit embarrassing but I'm going to do some promos + asking for help.**

 **As of currently, I'm facing a bit of an economic stress. As in, I'm having problems with money. I can't pay for my college fees + food + basic necessities and my rent is due in 2 months and I don't have any money :( My parents are currently focusing their attention on my little brother who is going to finish high school this march and enter university (i support their decision, so please don't hate on my parents for not giving me money. My little brother is important and I love him and I want him to finish high school and continue his education even if that means my parents overlook me a little bit). That doesn't mean I'm not suffering though;;; This year is hectic with uni and non-profit organizational duties so I can't manage to look for a part time job.**

 **Therefore if you're willing to help me, please donate to my (pay)pal :')) the email is natanije (gmail). Or buy me some ko-fi at this link (** **A6521FMQ)! Please, even a dollar would do. It would help me a lot;;; thank you so much for reading this dsksh if you decide to help, thank you.**

 **Follow me on twt: misharonis and tumblr: natanije if you wanna chat or anything.**

 **Thank you for reading this! Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I am back, somehow hdksjhf heLLO let's just get on to the story!**

 **Chapter 3: Hair**

* * *

Uzumaki Kushina never expects this.

Sure, she has had the fleeting hope that someone from Konoha may notice her disappearance, but she's gotten bitter about it about halfway out of Konoha.

(Asset to Konoha her ass.

Clearly, Konoha doesn't care about her bar her power to contain the Kyuubi and keep it at bay. Clearly, Konoha doesn't _care_ if she dies for she's just a tool.

Konoha is a place she's not accepted in, a place she's trying so _hard_ to call home since she's lost her own.

Konoha is a place she rather hated being in

But would she rather get her ass get hauled to Kumo? One of the villages that played a hand in the destruction to Uzushio?

The answer is a big fat **_NO_** ).

She never expects some academy students to be the one to actually notice the trails she left behind, and she never expects it to be _him_.

Namikaze Minato, her classmate.

He's… Kushina doesn't have many opinions about him, and even if she does have some, they're mostly built from her bitterness and stubbornness. He's seen her getting bullied, but he never _does_ anything. It's not that she wanted him to do anything, but—

But it'll feel nice.

To know that someone cares.

Even so, Namikaze is here, his legs having found a nice place to perch on, on top of one of the Kumo-nin's face. He's _fast_ , undeniably so, and Kushina is reminded again over how Namikaze is a hailed genius, apparently, and he's currently standing at the top of the class, even way above her.

He's strong, that's what Kushina thinks.

The beast inside of her has been growling for some time now, seemingly indignant that it has been interrupted in its mission to take over Kushina's impeccable control. With Namikaze's sudden appearance, Kushina finds it wise to ignore the beast for now, mentally slamming it to her mindscape's ground. She probably would feel a bit bad, if it were anyone else, but this is one of the sources of her misery, and with her current state of stress and disarray, she finds it hard to even feel anything past twisted satisfaction over it.

"Uzumaki-san," Namikaze's voice cuts her thoughts off, his hands having stretched out in a welcoming gesture towards her. He's still standing on top of the Kumo-nin, Kushina distantly notices, and she quickly tries to wrap the Kumo-nin with her chakra chains. Namikaze steps away as soon as she does so, taking out wires to secure them.

"Please don't waste your chakra," Namikaze says, tying up the unconscious shinobi.

Kushina twitches, if ever so slightly. "Is… Is there more? Of them?" She whispers, and she cannot help but to slump in relief when the blond shakes his head.

In all actuality, with her sudden burst of chakra when she activated her chakra chain, someone from Konoha is bound to notice, and help should come soon.

( _And what a late response it would've been_ , her mind bitterly supplies).

When Namikaze is done tying them all up, he raises his hand, Kushina belatedly realizing that he has released a smoke signal. She's tired, and she stumbles on her feet as she tries to calm the raging headache blooming inside of her. The beast is still yowling, a nuisance even when she's not in immediate danger, and Kushina just wants everything to be _over_.

"Uzumaki-san?" Namikaze's smooth voice registers itself in her brain again, and Kushina snaps her gaze towards him.

"What," she spits, sighing harshly as she tries to calm herself down. She's frustrated, immensely so, for her life's been fucked over and over again, and she's just so _tired_.

Namikaze, for all his speed, strength and skill back when he was fighting the trespassing Kumo-nin, looks like a nervous wet puppy right about now, with his wide blue eyes and outstretched hand towards her.

Kushina doesn't really know what to do with that kind of information.

Because really, a wet _puppy_?

"Are you… okay?" He shakes his head, apparently immediately realizing how stupid that kind of question is. "Can you walk?"

Kushina nods slowly, "…yeah."

"We can… leave, I think," Namikaze shifts from foot to foot, looking at the unconscious shinobi thoughtfully. "Konoha-nin should be here soon, and nobody is going to blame us for running home now."

Kushina raises her eyebrow, surprised despite herself.

"Are we not going to report to the Hokage?"

"We're not yet genin, though," is Namikaze's answer. "And besides," his gaze settles worriedly over Kushina, and she tenses, expecting insults over her apparent weakness to come hurling towards her.

It never comes, though Namikaze looks sad and regretful, for some unknown reason.

He smiles softly, causing Kushina to feel heat rush to her cheeks, a little bit.

"I'm a bit tired," Namikaze rubs the back of his head. "I had to run here so I think I'm running out of chakra, it'll be bad if any reinforcements from Kumo actually come." He laughs lightly, and Kushina blinks, dumbfounded.

Any other time, she probably would've sniped at him, slightly mocking his 'weakness' while trying to ignore her own. But her own exhaustion has seeped into her the moment her brain registers that the situation is no longer as dire as before, and so she sighs, nodding.

They walk home, and if on the way they're found by frantic jounins who escorted them back to the inner village, then there's that.

.

.

.

"How did you find me?" She manages to ask, during their way home.

"I noticed your hair," Namikaze answers, after awhile.

"…My hair?"

"Yeah," he smiles at her then, soft and fond, and Kushina doesn't know what to _think_ about it. "Your red hair is really vibrant and beautiful, it's pretty hard to miss."

Her breath stutters, and her only responses are her rapidly beating heart and the soft punch she delivers to Namikaze's stomach, the blond yelping in surprise at the contact.

.

.

.

In a few moments before she falls back asleep, Kushina remembers that she's never really said her thanks to Namikaze for saving her.

.

.

.

 _Long hair is the symbol of power, Kushina_ , she remembers her father said. Her father had worn his hair long, and so had her mother, her mother's mother, and many others. Senju Hashirama worn his hair long, and so did Uchiha Madara. The only reason Senju Tobirama didn't wear his hair long was because he was a god damn practical person and didn't bother with having _hair_ as a way to flaunt his status in power. A lift of his finger was enough to warn others he was super strong, anyway; there was no need for long hair.

Still, long hair is the symbol of power. It shows that the ninja who wears their hair long has enough power and skill to back it up, to prevent themselves from getting their hair grabbed during battle or tripping over their hairs and ending up getting killed.

Kushina has always worn her hair long; because among her siblings she's one of the strongest, because she's stronger than the bullies who tried and failed to kick her around. Her hair is long because she's _strong_.

But she's only strong against very few people.

She realizes that now, after the kidnapping done by the shinobi from Kumo.

She's weak.

She's _fuckin_ weak.

Hair is the symbol of power, her father said so.

If she can't back it up—if she can't prove she's strong enough to defend herself—then, what is the need of flaunting her long hair?

Grasping a huge amount of her hair, she stares herself down from the mirror for a few moment before she cuts them with scissors.

.

.

.

The next time she grows her hair out, she'll be stronger.

.

.

.

"Wha—"

What alerts her to his presence is his gasp and whimper similar to a choking cat, and Kushina can only raise an eyebrow at Namikaze, who is looking at her, gaping and sputtering and _is that horror on his face?_

He raises his hand to point at her face, and when Kushina starts to frown in confusion and irritation, he manages to garble out a few words.

"Y-Your _hair_ —!"

Kushina blinks.

 _Oh_.

Grasping the short hair—it barely reaches her chin—a bit self-consciously, she says, "Yeah, I cut it."

If there's anyone who can sound like he's dying while he's not, it's Namikaze.

"B-But _why_?" Namikaze asks, and Kushina has to wonder why he sounds most anguished when it's her who lost a huge amount of her hair.

And then she remembers that Namikaze admitted he _likes_ her hair, that he thinks her red hair _beautiful_ despite what other people think, and Kushina's brain almost short circuits.

She settles with blushing furiously instead.

Namikaze—perhaps not noticing her flustered expression—flails about comically before he deflates, looking like he's just lost something precious. It amuses her, a little bit, and Kushina allows herself to smile.

Namikaze blinks, seemingly enchanted as Kushina flicks her now short hair, putting on her usual near false bravado as she declares for the whole class to hear:

"When this hair is long again, I'll be strong enough to beat _you_ to the ground, Namikaze!"

She grins wildly at him, a challenge passed on in itself as she ignores her other classmates' roaring laughter for her bravado. And, well, if nobody but Namikaze can hear her whisper afterwards, then it's not her problem.

 _"And… thank you, for yesterday."_

Namikaze smiles at her, nodding his head firmly. "I'll take you up on that, Uzumaki-san."

.

.

.

And with that, perhaps, she's made herself a friend. A rival, but still a friend.

* * *

 **This is basically me refusing to put in the iconic scene in MinaKushi flashback, sorry hsjdhfhljd considering how Kushina fought back in this fic, I think it'll be counterproductive to have Minato suddenly carrying her bridal style and pose on top of a tree for Dramatic Prince Charming Purposes, so.**

 **I hope you like this, though!**

 **Comment, please!**


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